Sleep...

I'm super sleepy. I should definitely be in bed right now. But I'm not. And I don't want to go to sleep for at least a little bit. I love the nighttime. I love how peaceful it gets and how it's the one time during the entire day that I can be alone with my thoughts. This is both good and bad. I can finally get my head in order . . . but it also gives me time to think about mistakes I've made, regrets I have, and just changes in my life that I don't necessarily like. Life is funny because it's this ever changing thing. When you're little you live for the changes; your next birthday, next school year, high school, college. You're whole growing up years you know exactly where you're headed and you can't wait to get there. And all of a sudden one day you wake up and realize, oh crap, I'm there. And the worst part is you don't exactly know where 'there' is. Like look at me. I'm going to BYU, studying a subject that I love, but all of a sudden my future is unsure. I'm not necessarily working towards a specific goal. Obviously I still have goals (i.e. marriage and family), but these goals are no longer within my control. I can no longer look at my life and say well, in two year I'll be married, and then two years after that I'll have a baby. My life doesn't work like that anymore. I don't know what is going to happen or when it will happen. I simply know what I would like to happen. And this scares me because I'm a control freak. I love making lists, I love having things planned out. Spontaneous stresses me out, I hate surprises, and I don't like change. This has been a struggle for me the past couple of months. And the solution came in the form of a C.S. Lewis book I had to read for a class. I don't know the exact quote, but Lewis said something along the lines that to obey God is to trust Him, and to trust God is to not worry about life. And I realized that this is what I have to do. I trust the Lord, and because of this I have to trust in His plan and timing and not worry about how my life is currently working out. He knows what is best for me, and if I live the Gospel completely than He will make sure I receive eternal happiness. As I drift off to sleep tonight this is what I will hold on to.